This post was supposed to be published in November. I'm one day shy of that. It may have happened on time, but, frankly, I had parenting to deal with.
Last night Abishai finally laid down to sleep in his bassinet at FOUR AM. See what I did with the caps there? That's me crying in caps. I used to tell people that my son was a comfort nurser. I would even use the phrase "if he could nurse 24 hours a day, he would". I think he's been listening the whole time and laughing on the inside as he was preparing his surprise assault on my would-be full night of sleep. As he was listening, he tactically devised this plan to initiate sleep-destruction mode on the one day that his mother was going to attempt to have a full day of activities.
Mom's plan: Out with the girlfriends at an arts and design show in the morning and then taking him along with me to meet my high school girlfriends at a baby shower in the afternoon. Back to back activities for a first time mom who has spent the last 3 months dreading leaving the house.
Abishai's plan: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Mission Zombie Mom!
|SURPRISE! You're not sleeping tonight!|
When I finally placed him in his bassinet at FOUR AM (I hope you're reading this with inflection), he didn't go down without a fight. He usually nurses at 10pm and goes down after some rocking and more comfort nursing by 11. Last night, with a few intermissions with dad making attempts to soothe him, he nursed from 10pm to 4am. Sounds extreme, right? Like I should have woken up in the midst of a bloody, chapped mess on my chest. Thankfully that wasn't the case. He'd fall asleep for a few minutes or so and I'd carefully try to pull away. Some attempts, he'd even let me lay him down, but only for seconds till he'd stir and start screaming, eyes wide open. To my surprise, he was actually actively sucking the majority of the time.
I finally pulled away around 2am as he jolted Matt awake with his screams. "I'm just going to let him cry it out," I say to him, "whatever." Confused, Matt suggests we just let him do it in his crib to which I then reply, "Meh. If we leave him in his crib he's all by himself. It's abandonment. At least here he'll see that we're both right next to him when he cries. That's just negligence. It's not as bad."
I'm pretty sure Matt just rolled over and magically tried to shut out the cries while ignoring my blatant argument against all logic. Yes, I'm aware that negligence and abandonment are pretty much the same. In fact, it might have even been worse to let him cry next to us. Letting him know that we clearly see he is upset, but we just. don't. care. Whereas, we could have made the argument that we didn't hear him while he was in his crib.
Bah. I pulled him tightly against my tired chest and shushed him a few times in his ear while he screamed it out. I don't know exactly how long it took till he fell asleep, but my drowsiness made it bearable.
During my pregnancy and in the last three months of Abe's life, I have tried carefully not to pidgeon hole myself into a certain parenting method. I tend to skew towards Attachment Parenting, but not fully in some areas. I told myself I'd never use the cry-it-out method, and yet, my desperation drove me there last night.
I worked so hard to have the ability to breastfeed. Through many moments of ugly-crying sessions, being attached to a pump multiple-times throughout the day, and smelling like maple syrup because of Fenugreek supplements, I'm not about to give all this up for one night of crazy. One day, this closeness will be gone and our mother-son bond will be different. The moments where he's full and he turns to face me and smile as if he wouldn't want to be anywhere else but in my lap smiling are few in the grand scheme of things.
Originally, this post was going to be about thankfulness. Thankfulness for being blessed with Abishai's life, a supportive husband, and encouraging family and friends. This morning, as I sit here wide-awake in the aftermath, nursing him again for his first feed of the day (technically not the first, but we'll pretend) he is peaceful and I am thankful for that. I'm not quite sure how the rest of the day will go or if he even recognizes what happened last night, but I refuse to be anything but hopeful.
It's been three months and my boy is teaching me new things every day. I laugh as I glance at his 3 month recap photo above and see the irony in sharing that he sleeps through the night. Sometimes. Sometimes is okay. I'll take those sometimes and work towards the every time.
And since it's now December and not November (my original post deadline), I leave you with this.
The day after Thanksgiving marks the official start to everything Christmas. So in getting into the Christmas spirit, I started singing Abishai Christmas songs while in the bath. Something jolly, I thought-- why not that song about Santa being on the roof. Completely in tune and on melody, the following line escaped my lips...
"Up on the rooftop reindeer claws..."
I paused and gave Matt a quizzical look knowing full well that I had just began transforming the Christmas classic into a horror film theme song. With a tilted head and look of concern, Matt looked at me and said, "Claws? Reindeer claws, honey?" I am now laughing hysterically realizing that I now had the makings of a Christmas song where Santa probably snatches children out of beds too.
I ended up singing the rest of the song... with the correct lyrics. Abishai sat in his bath completely unimpressed.
|ABISHAI IS NOT IMPRESSED|