Where's the "NOT"?

I was sick.  Really sick.  The kind of sick that makes you start to think that something is severely wrong.  I had no appetite, dizziness, and a splitting headache that had lasted not just hours, but days.  What's wrong with me?  I don't have time to be sick-- I have too much to do at work and I'm in the midst of trying to find a place to live (tangent story: we got told the day after Thanksgiving that we needed to move).

I went home from work 2 days in a row because I couldn't function through the throbbing headaches.  Migraines due to stress is what I diagnosed myself with (Tangent story: I always webmd and diagnose myself before calling an actual doctor).  Finally, on day 4, after cranking through the pain at work, I pause to have some lunch.  A roast beef sandwich.  One bite and I immediately regurgitated into my boss' trash can.  "Go home before you give everyone else the stomach flu," he yelled.  Fine.  So I went home again.

What the heck is wrong with me? I never throw up!  I love food.  Next thing I know-- I'm passed out on my couch.  I wake a few hours later with the sudden urge to pee.  Hmm... could it be?  No way.  There's just no way.  In our bathroom drawer there were 2 tests.  I hate these tests.  They're stressful and the waiting feels like an hour and not 3 minutes (also Matty was not home).

I take one.  3 minutes later, I get an error screen.  Hmm... must not be it.  I'm definitely coming down with some awful illness.  Minutes later, I'm passed out on the couch again only to be awaken by an unusually urgent sensation to pee.  One test left.  I take it.  I throw it on the ground and start washing my hands.  Thoughts currently going through my head during the next 3 minutes: "Not Pregnant.  Not Pregnant.  That's what it will say.  Ugh... such a waste of money.  Those things are so darn expensive!"

I turn towards the door to pick up the test and almost carelessly throw it towards the trash can without even giving it a sincere look.  I glance down ever so apathetically and don't see the "not".  What?  Where's the "NOT"?  WHAT?  NO WAY!!

It was true.   The only word visible on the tiny digital screen read: "Pregnant".  The "Not", clearly missing.  I started pacing.  I'd taken dozens of these tests and I was so accustomed to the "Not" that I didn't even know how to react at this point.  Why did I do this while Matt wasn't home?  I'm nuts! 

Quickly, I wrapped my Not-less test result in tissue paper and threw it into a gift box.  Matt would be home any minute and thank goodness it was December so early presents would not seem out of place.  He came home, started telling me about his day, then sat on the couch next to me where I had clearly spent hours lazily nodding off my day.  I handed him the box.  "I have a present for you".  He shook it.  "You're pregnant!"  "Just open it!"  He knew.  Slowly he opened the box which was obviously made for a DVD but lacked the weight of anything close.  "I knew it!  I knew it!  We're having a baby!"

I looked at him with tears welling up in my eyes.  We hugged and kissed and immediately I told him we had to go to Target and buy more tests to make sure.  In the car, I told him that if the next 2 tests came out negative, he'd be holding me all night while I cried.  He responded with, "If the next 2 tests come out positive, you'll be holding me all night while I cry".  I married a comedian.


2 more tests later and it was unmistakable. 

December 7th, 2011... This oven is on and the baking is in progress.